


Vampire Family Sitcom AKA Raising Hell

by aliceinsunnydale



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: AU, Headcanon, Multi, Season 3 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 16:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6814246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliceinsunnydale/pseuds/aliceinsunnydale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dump of random, unedited headcanons about Angel, Darla, Drusilla, and Spike living together, trying to raise the human baby Connor - written with ponyridesanddarkness on tumblr</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampire Family Sitcom AKA Raising Hell

 

  * I think Dru would flip-flop between jealousy and ‘OMG, BABY, LET  ME HOLD IT!!’ And everyone’s like: 'This one’s family, Ducks, you can’t eat it.’
  * Angel is like “oh my actual god, NO, Drusilla is not holding the baby” And Darla is just like “calm down, Angelus” and Angel is so agitated and hovering around and Darla hands the baby to Dru and Dru is just so “oh my god i love the baby” and actually so gentle with it and Darla’s all *told you so eyes at Angel*
  * I just want Angel, with all his soulful goodness snapping at Darla like: 'NO, you can’t take him to the Order. Also, the Master’s dead, remember? Hasn’t the Order moved on?’ and she’s like: 'HE NEEDS TO MEET HIS INLAWS, ANGEL!’ So Angel’s like: ’………Fine, but take the other kids, too.’ Because Dru is one step ahead of anyone who even thinks about bringing harm to little baby Jesus-Connor.  They’re met with Spike and Dru on either side. And after a few vicious deaths, Spike’s like: 'If you didn’t bring a gift for the shower, GET. OUT BEFORE WE START MAKING ROMPERS OUT OF YOUR INTESTINES.’
  * Dru wants to dress Connor up in dresses and Angel is like “absolutely not”
  * literally their whole life is Spike and Dru being a bit ~too playful with Connor and Angel being so over protective and Darla being like omg everyone calm down.
  * I want Angel to catch Dru reading 'Where the Wild Things Are’ and she’s like 'I’ll eat you up, I love you so.’ and Angel’s like: 'NO!! NO EATING THE BABY!’ AND HE BURSTS INTO THE ROOM– and Connor wakes up and bursts into tears.
  * Darla reads Baudelaire to Connor to get him to sleep. She reads him Les Métamorphoses Du Vampire ((which is for sure written about her)) and Angel is like “literally do not read the baby poems about you fucking the author??? Why do I have to tell you people these things???” And Darla’s like “calm down, it’s French. And also he’s a baby”
  * ;-; Spike and Dru singing their Mummys’ lullabies to him.
  * Darla sits and listens because no one ever sang her lullabies
  * Angel’s still the first one to figure out that vamp face calms the baby. He tries to hide it from the others for as long as possible and uses it to get Connor to sleep so much quicker than anyone else. Everyone is so confused about why Angel’s the best as putting the baby to sleep until Darla walks in one night on Angel cooing through his fangs and she’s like “oh my god, angelus, you hypocrite”
  * I had little dream that Darla decided that she needed her /family/ to help raise this kid, because that’s what she had known fo so long in the order. Fledglings, children, they require a team effort. So, she’s like: 'Angel, I need our kids, go find them.’ and Angel’s like: 'WTF, man, they have lives, you know, like…Spike has his…drinking…and Dru has her, I dunno, tea parties and beheadings? You think they’ll just drop what they’re doing to help raise a kid?’ and Darla’s like: 'Uh, yes? 'Cause it’s only 18-ish years, also, Dru always wanted to be a mother, and Spike is a hopeless romantic who never had a happy, doting little family. FIND. THEM.’
  * Okay my absolute favourite thing ever is Darla just so casually referring to them as “our kids” and Angel being completely unfazed
  * “Angelus, find the children. Bring them home.”
  * My thing is strangers catching Dru calling Darla 'Gran'mum’ and Angelus playing it off 'Don’t mind my poor little sister.Sweet girl, but simple. My wife reminds her of our dear grandmother, God rest 'er.’ And Darla turning to Dru with her sweetest/scariest voice and saying 'It’s /Darla,/ sweetie. Not Grandmum.’ Annnnnd then pregnant Darla’s like: 'Dru, dear, fetch Grandmummy’s coat.’
  * lmao Angel gets SO frustrated each time Dru calls Connor her brother.
  * Lord. “That’s Gran'mum, Daddy, my baby brother, an’…now sure if Spike is my boyfriend this week, but he’s my son.’
  * Spike just calling Connor "the kid” bc he’s secretly really jealous of the new baby but also the only one who’s detached enough to be super cautious about anything that was made out of Darla and Angel
  * 'You two made that? :/ :/ :/ :/ Don’t touch it, Ducks..’
  * Spike’s so fascinated by Darla and Angelus. Like he understands his and Dru’s dynamic as love. But he doesn’t understand at all how Darla and Angelus are so close to love but also as far away as possible.
  * Dru has to nearly kill the kid at least once.
  * …a week.
  * one day Angel and Drusilla are out and Darla’s been bouncing the crying baby for nearly an hour and she’s about ready to rip it’s throat out so she literally shoves him into Spike’s arm and stalks off to have a bath and no one has really noticed but this is the first time Spike has actually held the baby and he’s just alone with Connor in the hyperion lobby holding him at arms length looking at him with so much scrutiny. Like what ARE you??
  * Darla and Dru try to kill the baby so much more than the others
  * Yeah, Spike and Angel are Mr. Mom. Totally. Spike’s like, rocking Connor in a bouncy seat and heating up milk, testing it on his wrist and realizing he’s dead and has no sense of appropriate bottle temperature
  * –Angel’s like: You gotta use a thermometer, dumbass.
  * Dru pied pipering a small army of children to come play with Toddler!Connor.
  * Darla walking into the lobby to see Dru in the middle of a sea of toddlers, holding Connor’s hand like what the fuck Drusilla?? Get these messy disgusting things out of my home. Take them back where you found them. they’re not yours. Angel is going to kill you.
  * …I can see both Dru and Darla murdering some kid on the playground that pushes him down in the sandbox. Angel’s like: 'Come on, guys. The only park we haven’t been permabanned from is the damn dog park.’ and Dru’s like: 'Actually, they asked me not to come back anymore…’
  * YES Darla and Dru snarling and lunging at a kid who pushes Connor over and Angel and Spike having to jump up and restrain them
  * The first time Connor gets sick and EVERYONE freaks out.
  * Darla doesn’t let anyone else hold him. Dru starts wailing about leeches, Angel starts frantically looking through Wesley’s books to find out about demon diseases. Spike’s the only one who very calmly walks to the phone and calls the human doctor
  * the first time Connor throws up on Darla’s dress Angel’s across the room faster than he’s ever been anywhere, before Darla even realizes what has happened, he grabs the baby away from her and Dru rushes to restrain Darla from lunging after Angel and the kid
  * Dru brings toddler!Connor kittens and puppies all the time. If Angel finds  them first he just takes them back to wherever they came from but if Darla finds them first she wrings their necks and puts them on Dru’s bed
  * DAMNIT, DARLA!!
  * WHY?!
  * WHYYYYYYYY
  * BECAUSE THEY’RE FILTHY ANIMALS, DRU, AND I WILL NOT HAVE THEM IN MY HOME. YOU THINK I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF WITH THIS CHILD??
  * Spike casually walking by like: ANGEL IS FILTHY, BUT WE LET YOU KEEP HIM. Then, like, showing a cookie in his mouth and walking away.
  * –Then poking his head back in 'Wait, what are we talking about?’
  * your GIRLFRIEND keeps bringing my child these disgusting animals - keeps holding Connor’s hand in one of hers and raises the limp dead body of a kitten in her other hand -
  * Preteen Connor bringing a girl home “just to study” and Angel and Spike sitting him down to have a talk about how to treat a girl with respect with only a few dirty jokes thrown in by Spike. Dru is tasked with making sure Darla is nowhere near the hotel when the girl is there
  * Oh my god. All four of them taking Connor out on halloween. Connor wants to be a vampire. Angel absolutely REFUSES that idea. lets him be batman or superman instead. Dru INSISTS on being a witch. “Drusilla, you’re already a vampire.” “I want to be a witch with a hat and a broom” “I am NOT buying you a witch costume when you can just change your face” - cut to Angel and Darla in vamp face, holding Connor’s hand and Dru walking next to them in a flowing dress with a pointed witches hat and a broom
  * oh but also everyone at Connor’s school thinks Angel and Spike are his dads because Darla can’t be trusted to go to parent teacher nights without ripping out the throat of any teacher offering constructive criticism
  * All his life little baby connor tells everyone his mummy is pretty and blonde and all his teachers think he’s talking about Spike.
  * It wouldn’t help that any time he draws Spike, he’s going to have his coat on…that’s GONNA look like a dress, Connor…
  * I just need Darla doing everything Darla does, like completely the same but with Connor on her hip
  * Damnit, Dru, hold my son. …It’s hard to look intimidating with spit-up on your blouse.’
  * omg dru and darla playing with Connor on the bed and all three of them fall asleep tangled up together and when they find the girls Spike literally almost cries at how sweet it all looks and Angel carefully takes Connor to his own bed without waking anyone and for the first time gets in bed to sleep all together with darla, spike, and dru like old times
  * omg. Darla waking up without Connor, but all these other freaks in her bed and FREAKING OUT.
  * WHERE’S THE BABY? - Angel grumbles and drapes a heavy arm over her - “he’s fine, go back to sleep” Darla realizes he’s there for the first time and immediately settles a little but nudges him with her elbow “go get him” - Angel grumbles more but dutifully gets up and goes to get Connor from bed, he brings him back to the room and places him between Darla and Dru before getting back in bed behind Darla. Spike pricks up from his position behind Dru and reaches an arm over her to ruffle Connor’s hair as Connor puts his thumb back in his mouth and settles down in the middle of the vampire cuddle puddle -
  * Darla holding Connor on her hip while shamelessly hitting on an absolutely gorgeous guy in the grocery store. He’s completely on the hook but keeps looking uneasily at the kid before Darla just sighs and calls out for Dru. Dru appears out of nowhere to take Connor who goes easily and the guy is just like. wtf was that
  * Darla and Angel get into a huge fight one day, like Angelus-level, screaming and hitting and throwing furniture and Spike quietly walks to Connor’s room and scoops him then goes to find Drusilla “come on ducks, we’re going to the park” they take a midnight stroll to the park and Spike literally can’t stop smiling as he watches Dru take Connor down the slide. He pushes Connor on one swing while Dru stands on the other. He holds Connor up to use the monkey bars while Dru tickles the kid’s stomach. Connor falls asleep against Spike’s chest on the walk home and Spike takes Dru’s hand and seriously considers just taking them both away - he would if Darla and Angel wouldn’t hunt them down. They don’t deserve this.
  * Spike napping on the couch in the Hyperion lobby, Darla and Dru bring Connor back in from a shopping trip. Connor had been having a tantrum and Darla’s so frustrated so she grabs Dru’s hand and drags her up to take a bath. Connor’s still all hiccup-y from his tantrum and it’s taken so much out of him and he wanders over to the sofa and stares at Spike for a while. Spike slowly opens one eye and looks him over. “what’s up, kiddo?” Connor takes in a breath still shaky from crying and then fumbles his way up onto the sofa. Spike helps haul him up and Connor settles in on top of Spike’s chest, nuzzling his head up under Spike’s chin and they both fall asleep. A while later Angel walks in and sees them napping. His immediate response is a slight surge of jealousy but then he goes and fetches his sketchbook. He sits down across from them and starts drawing the scene. Eventually Darla walks down the stairs and sees Angel first and immediately goes into “Angel, YOUR child was an absolute terror -” Angel shushes her and motions at Spike and Connor before going back to sketching and Darla calms down and even smiles looking at her boys.
  * Everyone is in the Hyp, just around doing their regular things, no one is really with Connor because they can all sense him anyway then all of a sudden there’s a loud wail from upstairs and shouting. Angel, Darla, and Spike all rush as fast as they can from three different points in the hotel and arrive in Connor’s room where he and Dru are screaming at each other, pulling Miss Edith back and forth between them, like a proper sibling fight. The three other vamps arrive in the doorway at the same time and super coordinated Angel goes to grab Connor around the waist and lift him up and away from Dru and Spike heads towards Dru to grab hold of her and start stroking her hair to calm her and Darla goes to grab Miss Edith and in literally THE most motherly voice goes “If you two can’t play nicely together then no one gets the damn doll” and she takes it away to hide in a special hiding space where literally no one can find it because all moms seem to have those places??
  * Darla just does THE most mom things sometimes and doesn’t even realize and literally everyone just holds their tongues because they don’t want to her to stop
  * i live for the surprised but endeared looks Spike and Angel give each other when they’ve been prepared to take Darla out of a situation where she hurts Connor but instead she’s done something super motherly and caring
  * Angry tweenage Connor screaming at Dru, asking why she’s so weird.And everyone turns to look at Angel, and he opens his mouth to explain that he completely failed his first child, but Dru’s like: 'I just AM.’ and leaves it at that
  * the GLARES from Spike and Darla when Connor asks that and Angel just wants to fucking bury himself
  * child Connor and Dru in another spat and at the exact same time they both yell “DADDY!” and Angel literally doesn’t know where to turn first
  * Connor’s in a bratty mood because Dru’s being crazy, Darla’s being overbearing, and Angel’s being broody and he grabs hold of Spike’s hand firmly and yells “I HATE YOU ALL, SPIKE’S MY FAVOURITE” and Darla sees fucking RED and Angel growls so loud as he punches a hole in the wall and Spike literally could not have a bigger or more smug grin on his face as he tugs Connor away “c'mon pest, lets go for a ride” and takes Connor out for a car ride in Angel’s car
  * Darla screaming that everyone in thAT DAMNED VEHICLE HAD BETTER HAVE A SEAT BELT ON!!
  * That day marks a phase where Spike is Connor’s favourite person in the whole world and he thinks the coolest person ever and Angel and Darla literally seethe with rage about it for weeks
  * Spike getting the kid a tiny leather jacket.
  * he puts gel in Connor’s hair to spike it up and plays him sex pistols cds dru draws tattoo up and down Connor’s arms with magic markers
  *  'Spike? Bobby Macintosh said I look like Billy Idol…’
  * Bobby Macintosh doesn’t know what he’s bleedin’ talkin’ about. You tell him you’re Johnny Rotten
  * -Angel was sat in the office when his phone rang. He picked it up and began talking down the line- “Yes, this is Angel. Yes… Connor’s dad.” “He did what?” “He said what?” “He was running around yelling 'God Save the Queen’?” “… yes. I know this is America.” “… no future?” - he let out a heavy sigh - “yes, I’m sorry. His mother will come collect him. We’ll have a talk.” “thank you. Goodbye.” -there was a long drawn out pause as Angel hung up the phone and complete silence before it was broken with a loud bellow- “SPIKE!!!”
  * Omg. Having to talk to BOTH of them and Dru’s watching like a cat because she’s not the one in trouble.
  * Angel has literally physically chained Darla up in the bedroom so she doesn’t decapitate Spike
  * Spike and Connor sit next to each other on the sofa, both hanging their heads in shame
  * Angel doesn’t even tell Darla what’s happened until he’s managed to talk her into the bedroom. She’s a little flustered because really her and Angel don’t do this much anymore - especially not since that time they got Connor out of it. She goes along anyway because oh my god she wants him so bad. And she’s SO surprised when he mentions the chains. omg why does Angel even have chains anymore. But again she plays along, completely losing her chill inside but pretending this is all normal just like old times because she doesn’t want him to stop and he gets her into the chains and he’s kissing her and trailing his tongue up her neck and nipping her ear and then he pulls back and she moans and he takes a breath and says “Connor’s in trouble because he’s been emulating Spike at school” Angel runs out as fast as he can and Darla screams “ANGELUS” so loud that the entire hotel shakes
  * Freakin’ Dru… 'Okay, Daddy, we’ll teach our naughty boys a lesson. I’ll spank our William, you go…make Connor stand in the corner or summat.’
  * Angel sighed “that’s not much of a punishment for Spike, Dru. Besides….” he would have blushed if he could “Darla’s kind of in the chains right now” Connor looked confused “Mummy was bad?”
  * …annnd Dru’s gone from the room to torture Darla.
  * and Spike’s raising his eyebrow at Angel teasingly but biting his tongue around the little one.
  * 'Yeah, was Mummy bad?’
  * “no, YOU were bad. Darla just… would have killed you both if I didn’t chain her up”
  * *Screaming from the other side of the building.’ Spike’s like: 'I’m totally reformed. Good talk. I’m gonna go supervise our gals.’
  * Angel just sighs and takes Connor to go have a proper conversation as far away from the screams that turn to moans as possible
  * poor baby. Connor hears and sees so much shit in this hotel at school he draws a picture of Dru and Darla taking a bath together and that requires another call home
  * Connor comes home bitching that he had to explain to his teacher that Auntie Dru can hold her breath FOREVER and Mummy says 'Thank Aurelius’ for that.
  * Connor takes a notebook out of his bag during free period to do some drawings. The teacher comes and asks to see his other drawings, he flips too far back in the book and it’s all Angelus’s drawings of everyone
  * Teacher finds some like, sleeping nudes of Darla and she’s like 'Woops! Not your sketchpad, is it, Connor?’ Annnnd there’s another call home.
  * Child services comes to call after some spat at school and Dru answers the door and manages to be a perfect saint they whole time they’re asking questions and looking about.
  * omg yes. she gets so lucid super quick when she knows it’s necessary



 


End file.
